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Area 51 New Mexico Established August 18 2001. © Copyright H.E. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.
Changes to Contract of Employment
Based on an email from Liz
Please Take note of the following, in effect from Monday.
Sickdays
We will not longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have somehing removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personals days a year. These are called Saturdays and Sundays.
Vacation Days
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows January 1 and December 25.
Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangment. In rare cases where employee involvment is necessary, the funeral should held in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
Absence Due to Your Own Death
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Restroom Use
Too much time is being wasted in the restroom. In future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabethical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your alloted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies you may swap with a co-worker but both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the toilet door will open.
Lunch Break
Skinny people will get an one hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal sized people will get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure.
Fat people will receive five minutes for lunch because that's all the time need to drink a Smil Fast and a diet pill.
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying £600 Gucci bag we will assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for loyalty to our firm. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations etc should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day.
The Management.
Notification to all staff regarding Offensive Language
It has been brought to the attention of the Management that certain individuals have been using bad language at work. Due to complaints from some of the employees and customers who are more easily offended, this kind of language will no longer be tolerated. However the management are not entirely without feeling and do recognise the significance and importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating and interacting with their fellow colleagues. With this in mind the Human Resources section has compile a list of key phrases and their more respectable and acceptable replacements, so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an affective and productive manner without risking offence to the more sensitive employees and in tandem allowing the verbal employees to not suffer undue stress whilst having to bottle up their emotions.
| Old Phrase | New Phrase |
| No Fucking Way! | I'm fairly sure that's not really feasible |
| You're Fucking kidding | Really? |
| Tell someone who gives a Fuck | I will have to run that one by ……………… |
| No Bastard told me | I wasn't informed of that |
| I don't have Fucking time | Perhaps I can work late |
| Who Fucking cares? | Are you sure there's a problem? |
| Eat Shit and Die | You don't say |
| Eat Shit and Die Mother Fucker | You don't say, Sir |
| Kiss my ass | So then, would you like to help me |
| Kiss my ass, Kiss his ass, kiss everyone's ass | Group Hug… |
| She's/He's a Fucking prick | She/He's somewhat Insensitive |
| She's a ball busting, Bad ass Bitch | She's an Aggressive Go-Getter |
| You really haven't got a Fucking Clue, Have you? | You could perhaps do with a little more training |
| This place is Fucked | We're a little disorganised today |
| This place is Fucked again.. | We're all sacked |
| What the Hell sort of FuckWit are you? | You're Kind'a New here aren't you ? |
| Fuck Off, Shit Head | Well, there you go, something I didn't know, thanks for sharing it with me.. |
| You're a Fucking Asshole aren't you ? | You're my Supervisor aren't you ? |
| Fuck Off | I'll look into it and get right back to you |
| Fuck Off, You Dickhead | I no longer need your assistance |
| Fuck Me | Well, there's summat you don't see everyday |
| How do you get this piece of shit to work? | I could use a little more training |
| Fucking Loser | Gee that really was unfortunate |
| Stick you're head up your ass and fight for breath | That was a great Idea, Why couldn't I have thought of it first |
| I've Fucked up | I appear to have made an error |
| You're a fucking liar | You must be wrong |
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Area 51 was Established on August 18th 2001 © Copyright H. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.