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More Jokes
Emailed by Emma, Zach, Jellyfur & Rob S
A Clever Kid
It was the first day of school and a new 4th grade student named Pedro. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history."
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher.
"Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"
Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the students, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new, knows more about history than you do!"
A student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Shop at Wal-Mart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries backto Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo(Aisle7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart "
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
Little Red Riding Hood (missing, for some reason, from the original story)
One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she sees a wolf sitting under a tree with his ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin. She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!" The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes. She says, "My, what big eyes you have!" The wolf grins a bit wider and looks slightly harassed. She says,"My, what big teeth you have!" "Look" says the wolf looking her in the eye, "Fuck off! I'm trying to take a dump!"
Navajo
About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.
Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."
Life
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink like a fish, party your ass off, - you've only got a few years left, so why not?!?
Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday!
NASA
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Gorilla Removers
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the fucking dog!
The nightmare
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. v The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
Chemistry
A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.
Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.
Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isotopes.
This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover.
Speeding Cheeky Bugger
While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait. The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short"?
To which I replied. "I'm late for work"
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what"
"A rectum stretcher" - "and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"
Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously. "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge..."
Speeding ticket: £105,
Court Costs: £45,
Look on copper's face: Priceless....
Post Office
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.
How to avoid a speeding fine....
A man is pulled over for speeding. The officer get out of his car walks up to the drivers window.
Officer - "Can I see your licence please sir?"
Man - "I don't have one"
Officer - "Right, well can I see your proof of ownership for this vehicle?"
Man - "It's not my car"
Officer - "Well where is the owner?"
Man - "I Killed him, he's in the trunk!"
The officer pulls out his gun and backs slowly away towards his cruiser. About 10 minutes pass and the police commissioner arrives along with full SWAT.
The commissioner walks up to the driver's window.
Commissioner - "Is everything alright sir?"
Man - "Fine thank you"
Commissioner - "This officer tells me you stole this car, killed the driver and don't have a licence. Is this true sir?"
Man - "No it's not."
With this the man produces his licence, proof of ownership and he opens the trunk and shows it empty.
Man - "I bet that bastard told you I was speeding as well didn't he?"
Captain Bravo
Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marvelled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"
A Solution to a Common Problem
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day.
So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving too fast and killing all of my chickens."
So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
No good. So the farmer calls again... and again, everyday for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the telephone calls stop, and the sheriff becomes very curious. So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY
The Pirate
A pirate walks into a bar; he has a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and an eye patch. He hobbles over to the bar and says, "Give us a mug of your finest bourbon me land legged friend". So the barmen pour him a drink. The barman becomes curious as to why he has a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch, and curiosity gets the better of the barman, so he asks why he has a wooden leg? The Pirate says "arghh me matey, its quite a story, I was at sea and was sailing the seven seas and doing a bit of fishing on one of the planks, and a shark jumped up and bit off me leg". The barman then asked about the hand? The pirate said "garrr, when the shark bit me I punched it to get away and he bit off me hand so I got this hook put on!" the barman finally asked about his eye patch? The pirate said "arghhh, I looked to the sky and a seagull shit in my eye!". The barman said, "it shit in you eye? How'd that take your eye out?" the pirate said "first day with my new hook!"
You May Also Enjoy...
Stooopid People Jokes
Religion and Heaven & Hell Jokes
Sex & Relationships Jokes
Football & Sport Jokes
Little Billy Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Pets & Animals Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Short Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
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Area 51 was Established on August 18th 2001 © Copyright H. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.