Links
(Too Much to Read in one go? Why not add this site to your Favourites?!)
Stooopid People Jokes
Religion and Heaven & Hell Jokes
Sex & Relationships Jokes
Football & Sport Jokes
Little Billy Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Pets & Animals Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Short Jokes
Other Funny Jokes
Redneck Poems
Funny Book Titles
The Difference Between Cars & Computers
*Funny* Medical Stories
Humorous Short Stories
Fun & Weird Thoughts
Creepy Ghost Story
Forum Caption Game Winners
Text Message Jokes
Tell a Friend about
www.area51newmexico.com!
Area 51 New Mexico Established August 18 2001. © Copyright H.E. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.
Blonde Jokes
A Clever Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Handy-man
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A woman was in her front yard, moving her lawn when her attractive blonde neighbour came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little while latter, he came out and again he checked his mailbox and angrily stormed back into his house. As the woman was getting ready to mow the lawn...he came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it closed. Puzzled by his actions the woman asked hin "Is something wrong?". To which he replied, "There certainly is!.......
My stupid computer keeps saying "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!""
A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio. The D.J. was telling blonde jokes one after the other and she got extremely pissed off and turned off the radio.
She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blondes like you who make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!"
Why did the blonde climb over the invisible wall?
To see what was on the other side
How do you know if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
There are smartie shells all over the place
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave
How do you kill a blonde?
Put a mirror on the bottom of a pool
What do beer bottles and blondes have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up
What was the first thing the blonde learnt on her first driving lesson?
You can sit upright in cars
Why do blondes where panties?
They make good ankle warmers
What's the difference between bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
People have claimed to have seen bigfoot
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circle room and tell her to sit in the corner
How do you tell if a blonde has been using your dishwasher?
It's full of soggy paper plates
How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
Drown it
How did the blonde try and kill the bird?
Threw it off a cliff
What's the difference between a blond and an ironing board?
Sometimes the legs on an ironing board are hard to open!
How do you tell if a blond has been using the PC?
There is white-out on the screen.
plus there is a condom on the joy stick
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~she studied for a blood test.
~she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
The Lottery
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," he prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. He prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Mate, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
The Injured Blonde
A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.
The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."
The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss," he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger."
The Execution
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'
The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'
Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
The Ladies Bar
A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
An Educated Blonde
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
You May Also Enjoy...
Stooopid People Jokes
Religion and Heaven & Hell Jokes
Sex & Relationships Jokes
Football & Sport Jokes
Little Billy Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Pets & Animals Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Short Jokes
Other Funny Jokes
If you a know good joke, please post it on the Area 51 New Mexico Forum
Area 51 was Established on August 18th 2001 © Copyright H. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.