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Stooopid People Jokes
Religion and Heaven & Hell Jokes
Sex & Relationships Jokes
Football & Sport Jokes
Little Billy Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Pets & Animals Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Short Jokes
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The Difference Between Cars & Computers
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Area 51 New Mexico Established August 18 2001. © Copyright H.E. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.
Stoopid People Jokes
Three Brothers
Three brothers got jobs in a lumber mill. At the end of the 1st day the boss paid all three with one check for $5.00 "What are we gon do with 5 bucks Beaufort? That ain't much for all three of us?
"Let me think about it."
Next day Beaufort comes home beaming with pride. "Looky what I got with our money and still have some left over. He then pulls a box of tampons from the bag.
"What the hell are we gon do with tampons Beaufort?"
"Well looky right'cheer boy, it says we can go swimming, hiking, ride horses or anything else we want to do!!
A Present for Mother
His mother was now living in Miami Beach and the young man didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."
"You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"
The Trial
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
The "Buffalo Theory" of Beer..
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." v "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
The Bar
A woman walks into a bar and sees a rather handsome looking man seated by himself.. Seizing the chance she goes up to him and starts making conversation
WOMAN: "hey there.. so what have you got drinking there "
MAN: *sighs*... "yeah.. if you really must know its magic beer.. "
WOMAN: "oh yeah.. pshhh what ever.. oh yeah then prove it! "
MAN: *gets up and flies around the room 3 times and sits back down*
WOMAN: "OH MY GOD THATS AMAZING!!!... BARTENDER.. GET ME WHAT EVER THAT MAN IS DRINKING!!!!"
The bartender then hands over the beer, the woman drinks down every last drop.. Takes a run up and jumps out the window plummeting 10 floors to here death.. The bartender then looks at the man.. shaking his head
BARTENDER: "you know what.. you're such an arse when your drunk, Superman"
Bush and Saddam Meeting
Bush and Saddam sit down in a private meeting in Baghdad. Both sit in separate arm chairs.
Whilst talking, Saddam pushes a button and a glove comes out and hits bush square on the jaw. He starts laughing hysterically but bush lets it slide.
20 minutes later, Saddam pushes another button and a mechanical foot comes out and gives bush a belter on the shins. Again hysterical laughter but bush wants diplom*oil*acy so he ignores it.
Another 20 minutes and Saddam pushes a third button on the armchair and bush gets hit in the gut by the fist and in the groin by the foot. Saddam is crying with laughter and bush finally gets up and leaves saying to Saddam let our next meeting be in Washington.
*next meeting*
Saddam comes into the white house and sees two arm chairs, the one bush is sitting in has three buttons on one of the arms.
In the discussion bush presses each of the buttons and each time Saddam craps himself whilst bush laughs uncontrollably. Nothing happens to Saddam each time
Saddam leaps up and cries "that's it! I'm going back to Baghdad" after the third time, Bush just sits back and laughs
"WHAT BAGHDAD????"
The Greatest Excuse Ever
"Ok I went golfing last Sunday and I was just about to swing when I heard a frog croak, to me it sounded just like "croak, three wood, croak" so I put my club away and brought out my 3 wood, I mean why not? I took my swing and the ball landed 3 feet from the hole on the green. I decided to see if his wasn't just a one hit wonder and so I took him around all 18 holes and played the best game of my life.
I took the frog home and decided to go to Las Vegas and try the frog out there, I COULD WIN BIG!! I thought to myself. I took the frog into the nearest casino and won 30 grand for the night, I was so incredibly happy.
I took the frog up to where I was staying and asked 'you have helped me out so much, how could I ever repay you?' the frog replied with "kiss me, kiss me" I thought what the hell, it has helped me so much and it asked so little, so I did, after that kiss the frog turned into a beautiful 16 year old girl, and that Your Honour is exactly what happened"
The Asylum
A guy has a flat tire on the road by a fence of an asylum for mentally ill patients. While changing the tire he manages to lose the lug nuts and can't secure the spare tire to the car. An inmate standing by the fence is watching and says "Take one nut off the other three tires until you can replace the ones you lost." The motorist is dumbfounded and says "how did you come up with that? That's a really good idea." The patient says "I'm mentally ill, not stupid."
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
A Man, an Ostrich & a Cat
A man, an ostrich & a cat walk into a bar and..... The bartender says, "What would you like Sir?" The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer." He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying." "That will be £12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. What'll it be today?" says the bartender. "Double whisky on the rocks" says the man. He looks at the ostrich and says, What will you have?" "I'll join him in a double whisky" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer-but I'm not paying" says the cat. "That will be £21.95" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "Excuse me" the
bartender, says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well" says the man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket".
"That's brilliant" says the bartender.
"You'll never ever run out of money. What else did you ask for?" The man sighs and says,
"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy!!"
Yet Another Genie....
A guy goes in a bar, orders a drink and sits there stewing. Bartender says "hey pal, things always get better, here's one on house. By the way what's in the box?"
The guy opens it, obviously agitated. Inside is a tiny grand piano and a one foot tall man. The little man sits down at the piano and proceeds to outplay the musical geniuses of the classical era.
The bartender says "Wow!! How can you be so undone with this?!? You can be rich!"
The guy then explains he found the old lamp, rubbed it and as the story goes out popped a genie.
"And this is what I got. The S.O.B. was half deaf. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch pianist??"
You got Mail
CHARLIE SAYS: "Daddy, how was I born?"
DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"
Peanuts
In San Diego in the late 1980's, a man named Tony visited an old people's home and began speaking with an elderly lady. As he talked, he helped himself to peanuts from a jar at the side of the old woman's chair. After some time, he asked the woman if she would like a peanut. She replied, "Oh, I can't eat the things dear. I just suck the chocolate off and drop them in a jar beside my chair."
Pig Thief
In Duluth, Minnesota, a man named Jack Pettit was arrested on a charge that he stole a neighbour's pig. His attorney maintained that he was innocent and filed that the case be dismissed through lack of evidence. The judge agreed and the case was dismissed. Jack Pettit then thanked the judge and asked, "But do I have to give back the pig?"
Students
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The Greedy Trader
A successful trader parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out a lorry came along too close to the kerb and completely tore off the driver's side. The trader immediately grabbed his mobile and dialled 999. It wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the trader started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again. After the trader finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you traders are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions you don't notice anything else" "How can you say that?" asked the trader.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realise that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been torn off from when the truck hit you" The trader looked down in absolute horror.
"Fucking Hell!" he screamed… "Where's my rolex?"
Ralph and Edna
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
ATR
In a hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Two Ladies
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: "What in the hell is that?"
Mabel: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Maude: "Where did you get it?"
Mabel: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
You May Also Enjoy...
Lawyer Jokes
Religion and Heaven & Hell Jokes
Sex & Relationships Jokes
Football & Sport Jokes
Little Billy Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Pets & Animals Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Short Jokes
Other Funny Jokes
If you a know good joke, please post it on the Area 51 New Mexico Forum
Area 51 was Established on August 18th 2001 © Copyright H. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.