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Area 51 New Mexico Established August 18 2001. © Copyright H.E. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.
Pets & Animals Jokes
New Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
How Sweet...
A little 5 year old girl goes into a pet shop. She asks the man at the counter "can i have a wabbit please?". His heart warmed, he drops down to her height and asks"what kind of wabbit would you like? A brown wabbit like the one over there or a white wabbit like the one in the window?".
The little girl replies " i don't think my pet snake really gives a fuck what colour the wabbit is."
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.....
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Says the chicken: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet shit's itself."
Vampire Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
The Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Three Dogs
A Labrador retriever strolls into the vet's waiting room. Two other labs are there and look miserable. So he asks "what's up guys? It can't be that bad."
"Oh yes" said one. "I'm here to be put down. My owner can't take any more. See, I'm a digger. If it don't move I dig it up. The yard, the rug, upholstery, you name it I dig it up. My owner got fed up when she bought an antique bed spread. Two minutes after it went on the bed I tore it to shreds. Now I'm being put down."
The other Lab said "yeah, I'm a pisser. Same deal. If it don't move I hose it down. My owners had enough when they brought the baby home from the hospital. They put her on a blanket in the floor and I didn't even wait for them to look at the TV - I soaked that baby from head to toe. Now I'm being put down."
So they looked at Lab 3 and said "how 'bout you?" Lab 3 said "I'm a humper and like both of you - if it don't move - it's mine. The other night my owner got out of the shower and dropped her towel. When she bent over to pick it up I hit her with all I had. "
"So you're being put down too huh? Said Lab 1.
"Oh hell no" Lab 3 said. "I'm here to get my toe nails trimmed."
The Lion
A circus owner needed a new lion tamer. About a half dozen applicants showed for audition. All were men except one woman. Thinking the woman wouldn't be so good the owner asked her to go first. Get her out of the way and all that. She went to lion's cage, entered and removed her full length fur coat. There she stood totally naked. She then cracked the whip a motioned for the huge male lion to come to her. Then she had him put his paws on her shoulders where he licked the woman from head to toe.
The owner was astounded. He turned to the five men and said "can any of you do anything like that!! One guy spoke up and said "hell yes - but get those lions out of there first!!
You May Also Enjoy...
Stooopid People Jokes
Religion and Heaven & Hell Jokes
Sex & Relationships Jokes
Football & Sport Jokes
Little Billy Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Short Jokes
Other Funny Jokes
If you a know good joke, please post it on the Area 51 New Mexico Forum
Area 51 was Established on August 18th 2001 © Copyright H. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.