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Area 51 New Mexico Established August 18 2001. © Copyright H.E. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.
Short Jokes
Chris Rock's "Quote of the Year":
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?"
A mouse finds a viarga and eats it. An hour later he's running around the kitchen going "Where's the fucking pussy?"
What's long, hard and full of semen?
A submarine
A 2 seater aeroplane crashed on an Ireland cemetery yesterday.. After going thought the crash site over 1000 were found dead.. Death toll expected to rise with further excavation..
A man walks into a psychiatrists ward wearing shorts made out of cling wrap.. The doctor took one look at him and said "I can clearly see your nuts"
Two Blondes walk into a bar
You woulda thought one of them woulda seen it!
What do christmas trees and priests have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration!
What does an electric train toy and a woman's breasts have in common?
Both were intended for children but no one can gets Dad's hands off either of them.
What is the difference between "light" and "hard"?
You can sleep with a light on.
A quote from Dizzy Dean: "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing"
I went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog.
It was a Shi Tzu
What happens when you give a politician some Viagra?
He gets taller
What do you get when you mix a donkey and an onion?
A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye
A new sequel to The Exorcist is being filmed. In this version a woman hires the Devil to get a Priest out of her son.
According to a new study half of all teenagers are having oral sex. The other half are still wearing braces.
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
What do Gynaecologists and Pizza Delivery Men have in common?
They always get to sniff it, but never get to eat it.
There where two muffins in an oven, the first one leans over to the second and says "shit its hot in here!"
The second one looked shocked and screamed "holy crap a talking muffin!!"
If you had your two balls in my hand, what would I have?
Your undivided attention.
What do I have if I have one large green ball in my left hand and one large green ball and my right hand?
Complete control over the Jolly Green Giant.
"City morgue, you kill em, we chill em!"
"City morgue, you stab em we slab em!"
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lickalotopis
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
It's arse
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so. She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward encase the enemy attacks from behind.
I went into the local clothing store, I was looking to buy some camouflage gear, but sadly enough I couldn't find any.
What did the penis say to the condom?
"Cover me I'm going in!"
A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?!"
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot!
You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour.
Written on a wall in the men's room: "My wife follows me everywhere.." Written just below it: "I do not."
Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he's coming or going.
As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
A women was found in her home in her bath tub surrounded by milk with a spoon up her pussy and a banana up her arse.
Police suspect a cereal killer
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend France?
Don't know, never been tried
So this guy goes to a costume party wearing only a pair of pants. He rings the doorbell and the host answers the door. The host says, "well, what the hell are you supposed to be?" The guy says, "I'm a premature ejaculation, I just came in my pants."
How do rednecks tell if a girl is old enough to marry?
Stand her in a barrel. If her head is above the rim, she's old enough. If it isn't above the rim, cut the barrel down a little.
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says I want 69. His wife says
"Why you want Beef and Broccoli now?"
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
You May Also Enjoy...
Stooopid People Jokes
Religion and Heaven & Hell Jokes
Sex & Relationships Jokes
Football & Sport Jokes
Little Billy Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Pets & Animals Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Other Funny Jokes
If you a know good joke, please post it on the Area 51 New Mexico Forum
Area 51 was Established on August 18th 2001 © Copyright H. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.