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Area 51 New Mexico Established August 18 2001. © Copyright H.E. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.
Football & Sport Jokes
The following jokes were recieved by a friend who is actually from Liverpool!
The Liverpool Olympics
Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.
HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.
SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.
MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.
RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.
DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.
BASEBALL
Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.
CLOSING CEREMONY
In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals.
They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'.
Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pissing on it.
The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.
Liverpool FC
A young Iranian was signed by Liverpool FC because the scouts said he was brilliant.
Manchester United come to town and is battering Liverpool 4-0. The Liverpool manager calls the new Iranian lad from the bench and brings him on with 20 minutes to go. Within 15 minutes the kid has done some fantastic skill and scored 5 goals. Liverpool win 5-4
Later he calls him mum.
"Mum, mum I've just scored 5 goals in 15 minutes and we won 5-4"
"oh that's fantastic. Meanwhile your dad stepped out of the door and got shot. The house has been ransacked and me and your sister have been repeatedly raped"
"Oh mama I'm so sorry", replied the footballer.
"You should be it was your idea to move to Liverpool in the first place!"
The Body
Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Spurs hat over one breast.
The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's private parts. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Liverpool hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Man United Fan hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.
By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there's an arsehole under it."
The Pet
A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a Rotweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually he got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead. A passing reporter commented: that was fucking fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's life?,
"I'm not a Utd fan" replied the bloke.
"well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said the reporter.
"I'm not a City fan either" said our hero,
" I'm from Liverpool".
"Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper tomorrow" said the reporter.
The man picks up the paper the following day to read the headline - SCOUSE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!
The Ulimate Fan
There was a Liverpool fan with a really crappy seat at Anfield. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the Half-way line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Liverpool fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
You May Also Enjoy...
Stooopid People Jokes
Religion and Heaven & Hell Jokes
Sex & Relationships Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Little Billy Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Pets & Animals Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Short Jokes
Other Funny Jokes
If you a know good joke, please post it on the Area 51 New Mexico Forum
Area 51 was Established on August 18th 2001 © Copyright H. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.