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Area 51 New Mexico Established August 18 2001. © Copyright H.E. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.
Best Screenames
Created by Micky and his mates (Views expressed on this page aren't mine, they are Micky's. As you can tell, He's English and is not a fan of the French nor the Spice Girls. So apologies to the French and Spice Girls fans!)
Apparently Baby Spice was ran over by an Ice-Cream van. That horrible jangly music still reminds the driver why he did it.
We aren't allowed to say Dick Van Dyke no more, we have to say Penis Lorry Lesbian.
The key to relationships is honesty. If you can fake that you're in.
Lying is the Vaseline which allows the shuttle of romantic love to enter the tightly clenched orephis of the emotional defences.
Geri Hallowell says she doesn't have sex during record production since it ruins her creativity. Am I the only one thinking 'That Dirty slut'?
My excuse for my behaviour is I suffer paranoia, unresolved issues in my past, and Schizoid thoughts. In other words, I'm a bastard.
I was watching a romance movie with my girlfriend and afterwards she said "You really can tell how good a movie is by how many tissues you go through." I looked over at my Porn collection and was in total agreement.
My dad always used to think life was unfair. When he saw me born, he realised he was right.
Johnny Wilkinson: "I kicked the ball over the bar and won the game." David Beckham: "Ball over bar and win game, got it."
Our country is called Great Britain. It would be called Amazing Britain if it weren't for twats like you bringing the average down.
Just because I'm English you assume I hate the French? Nah I don't, some of my best friends are rude and arrogant.
When you turn off a TV a red light comes on to tell you it's off. Clearly a total lack of sound & picture is not enough for some people.
Girls are like toilets, they're either dirty or in use.
Canadians have to apologize for Celine Dion, We have to apologize for the Spice Girls, just imagine America's list.
After reading stories about “Near death experiences” I became freaked out since it seems before you die you head towards a bright light. And then I thought ‘How does a Subway driver know when he’s dying?’
My Mantra: Don't Trust Anyone, All girls are Whores, live by it and you will never be suprised.
Lets Play Titanic. I shout Iceberg, you go down.
Why did God give us minds & penis's. With minds we can think dirty thoughts and with penis's we can act upon them.
Why do Mexico celebrate the day they beat The French Army. NEWS FLASH! Who hasn't beat The French Army?
Guy Falks Night - A man trying up to blow up Parliament. Sounds like a good thing. But this man tried to blow it up for Spain.
Marriage - It's either For life or you pay to get out.
Kylie is a bit like a chicken nugget. They are both golden & look tasty, but get close enough & you realise its processed shit.
Young guys, we can do it all night. We have no idea what we’re doing but we can do it all night.
Seems We Have a Special Understanding: I Scratch Your Back, You Put a Knife in Mine.
"The kraken stirs. And ten billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance"
God Bless America but God help us all. Seriously guys, calm down, we don't want to die. Don't ask for our help then shoot us. It's just ridiculous.
I love Americans. They speak their mind even if there's nothing in there. Just look at Bush. He's making an effort.
I have to admire the Americans. You guys have 'the American Dream'. And what is that. Well it's many things. Such as trying to catch a bearded man in a country where you have to have a beard. Thats an entire country executed.
I entered a competition today and won a years supply of Marmite...One jar
English is the natural language of the human. That's why when a foreigner doesn't understand you, the best thing to do is SHOUT REALLY LOUDLY and then their brain will revert back to it's original frequency.
The Iraqi war. Now what was that? It wasn't even a proper war. It wasn't even against France.
The English language is a beautiful thing in its simplicity. For example, when the English want to show boats we hold a thing called a 'Boat Show', and guess what we do. Nice and simple. Now picture that in French. 'l'exposition de bateaux et d'eau fait'. Sorry, We just don't have time for that, we've got Germans to defeat.
Why don't we, the English, go to the moon. Well, it's simple. There is no one up there to give it back to once we've conquered it.
My thoughts on Fashion: When hunting foxes, in the pack of dogs, there is one who can't smell. He can't smell this fox, in fact, he doesn't even know there's a fox at all. He's just following a bunch of asses. That is fashion.
Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
I remember at a very early age, my dad sat me down and told me about contraception, and how he wished he'd known more about it.
Love's a weird thing. No wonder why I try to avoid it.
There's a huge difference between Honesty and Stupidity. Telling your wife that you cheated on her, Honest. Telling her whilst she's awake, stupid.
I'm looking for a book on how to cope with rejection without killing people, do you have it?
How can Lesbians do it? As if one G-Spot isn't hard enough it find.
The search for the G-Spot commences, and just like the search for the holy grail, they'll realise it doesn't exist.
Oscar Wilde was sent to jail for sodomy. That's sending a guy to jail for getting buggered up the arse, that's like sending your kid to McDonalds to clean up is acne.
They say shopping is like sex for a women. Well it is for men to. That's why we can only can only go on for about two minutes.
Oh sure, a threesome with two other girls looks good on paper, but that two girls you have to talk with afterwards.
Girl: "I bet your fantasy is to have a threesome with me and Pamela Anderson."
Guy: "If I have Pamela Anderson why would I want you?"
There's a simple reason for not having female superheroes. Despite their ability to multi-task, by the time they've gotten changed the world will be dead.
The Spice Girls. Music's version of a Nail Bomb. They were bad together but now they've exploded into different directions, wreaking havoc and horror everywhere.
Young guys, we can do it all night. We have no idea what we're doing but we can do it all night.
Damn Americans. What other country would have "Kansas City" somewhere other than Kansas? It doesn't make any sense!
John Prescott finally fulfilled his dream to swim with a shark. "I've never seen such a big animal swim so close" said the Shark.
I got these new nicotine patches and they're great. You put one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes.
The average man has sex for three minutes and one second, the one second presumably the foreplay.
I'd love to be like you but I just can't stick my head that far up my ass.
Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you know how warm it is.
People always insult religion, speak of how false it is. But I do believe god made the world in seven days. It was a rush job, one look at you can tell that it's falling to pieces.
Babies are perfect for one moment in their lives, just like a new rubrics cube waiting to be fucked up.
Should lesbians be allowed to use dildos? They made their choice.
Do homeless people get knock-knock jokes?
In the old days you never could tell how drunk you were. Nowadays we have machines to tell you how drunk you are. We call them Karaoke machines.
The government are trying to put the 'Fun' back into fundamentalism. A shame they forgot the 'Mental', in fundamentalism.
If you've got 1 year to live, move to Glades Virginia, 'cause everyday there feels like an eternity.
When I was younger I used to be a huge fan of Harlem Globe Trotters. I sued think they were the greatest sportsmen in the world and when I found out it was all a sham I was shattered. Now my allegiance lies with WWF Pro-Wrestling.
Celery is like Pubic hair. You push it aside and keep on eating.
You can tell you're really sad when the voices in your head don't talk back to you.
You are my sunshine... and now I have skin cancer.
Next time you think you're so perfect, try walking on water
If looks could kill I'd be a shotgun
You’d think an awesome guy like me would have something witty to say here, wouldn’t you?
I founded Christian aid; but I'm so modest that you won't find my name anywhere on the paperwork
I always thought life would progress from bad to worse; I just never thought it'd happen this fast.
Women are like hurricanes; starts with a blowing and then you end up losing the house.
The bible says the body is a temple. Well mine is more like a toilet at a rock concert.
While other states are trying to get rid of the death penalty, Texas is making an express lane.
Why do we ask for a women’s hand in marriage? It’s not the hand we want, we have our own. We’re asking her to marry us ‘cause we are sick of hands.
People call me babe. Is it 'cause I'm cute? No! It's 'cause I look like a talking pig
There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count. Which of the three are you?
I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 3%?
Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity.
A day without sunshine is like... night.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
I'm not here right now, if you'd like to reach me on my cell phone, buy me 1.
We are all born cold, wet, and hungry... Then things get worse.
I'm not paranoid... but I know that you think I am.
I'll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondibab
You have just received the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honour system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for you cooperation.
Have you ever noticed anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
Since history never stops, when does the future begin?
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
The early bird may get the worm, but the late rising worm lives.
To a guy, breast size is just like Coke and Pepsi. We may state a preference but in the end we’ll take what we can get.
Doesn’t it scare you that there’s a guy in the white house that wants to bomb a country that he can’t even find?
The Saddam Hussein Biography. A best seller, or else!
Where would we be without a sense of humour? Germany.
Don't worry about life, your not going to survive it anyway
You can either agree with me or be wrong
My jokes are like a quiz show. One person laughs and everyone else goes "How the hell did he get that?"
Why do we have real life on television? That's what windows are for.
There are plenty of people who say exams aren't important. They are called 'Unemployed People.'
I have to cheat. The only thing I didn't copy in that exam was the guys' name. I'm not making that mistake twice.
97% of guys masturbate, the other 3% lie
Women can take over the world by tea time while men are still asleep.
Psychologists suggest you lose your inhibitions and discuss your problems with your friends. I tried this and for an hour I lost my inhibitions, and lost my friends…But I tried this with a cab driver, you'd be amazed how quickly you get to your destination.
I'm on a sea-food diet..... I see food and I eat it... (By Katya)
I put the fun back in dysfunctional
Smoking helps you lose weight - One lung at a time! (By Daniel)
Area 51 was Established on August 18th 2001 © Copyright H. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.