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Area 51 New Mexico Established August 18 2001. © Copyright H.E. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.
Celebrity Viruses
By Rob S
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: - Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor and legal advice about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: - It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: - Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
"I Love you"
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: - Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer. ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TEXAS VIRUS: - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
PBS VIRUS: - Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: - Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS: - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: - Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: - Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: - Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: - It starts by boldly stating. "Read my docs.... No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: - Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defence".
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: - Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars it's programmer will take it back.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: - It can never be found because it is constantly altering its appearance.
O. J. SIMPSON VIRUS: - Deletes two files and then says it positively 100% didn't do it but vows to find the one that did. THE BOB DOLE VIRUS . . . (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE RONALD REAGAN VIRUS . . . (Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored)
THE JACK KERVORKIAN VIRUS . . .(Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS . . . (Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC VIRUS . . . (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS . . . (Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS . . . (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS . . . (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows)
Area 51 was Established on August 18th 2001 © Copyright H. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.